Individualism is a common thing in today’s modern society. Many people care more about themselves than others and do what they like with little consideration for people whom may be affected by their action. It is quite a sad thing. You can see that there are is a general lack of loyalty and commitment to people own belongings. For example,

increasing number of adultery cases (a lack of loyalty to family and spouse)

vandalism and destroying of public properties (lack of loyalty to country)

increasing cases of cheating in the corporate world and white collar crimes (lack of loyalty and commitment to the organization)

There is a need for us to teach loyalty to our children - loyalty to family, to country, church, schools and other organizations and institutions to which commitments are made. We have to teach them about reliability and consistency in doing what they say they will do.

Here are some general guidelines that help you to teach loyalty to your children:

Highlight Your Own Dependability

Make yourself an example of being dependable. We do things every day that illustrate our loyalty to our children and show our dependability in the family. However many of these things are so automatic that they are seldom noticed and seldom used as visible examples of important moral values.

At home, I often tell our 4-year-old daughter Ethel “Papa need to go out to work today so that I can bring in the money for the family to buy food and things that we need”. She understands it so well that she said to me some time ago, “Papa, I’ll love that you can stay at home more often and keep me company. However I know that you need to go out and work because we need you to bring in the money. So don’t worry, just go. You can keep me company when you are back tonight.” Honestly I feel very proud and touch by her sensitivity.

Last Sunday, Ethel forgot to bring her favorite toy to her English lesson - it is for the “show and tell” activity. She called me on my phone while I was at the hospital visiting my mom. She sound very sad and started to cry on the phone. Knowing how kids feel when they forget something that the teacher tell them to bring, I quickly said to her “Don’t worry my dear. I will definitely bring your favorite toy to you before your class begins. You can count on me. Just tell me what time your lesson starts”. And indeed, I arrive just in time for her lesson. That save her tears and added another point to her trust in her daddy that she can always count on him if she needs help.

Here are two more examples that you can use to highlight to your children about your dependability. Instead of saying, “I’ll pick you up after your lesson.” say “I will be there before 4 p.m. You can count on it.” Instead of just going to the concert where your child will be performing, tell her that “Papa will definitely be at the concert because I love you and I want to be with you and support what you do!”

Tell your children often that you will be there for them especially when they are going through difficult time. And take credit and pat yourself for your dependability and loyalty for your family. It makes you feel good and it is also the best way to instill the same qualities in your children.

Thanks Your Children and Praise Them for Every Evidence of Their Own Dependability

Praising your children reinforce the value and show them how often dependability can be used. Thanks your children when they are on time for an event or when they help you or their younger siblings. For example, whenever our 4-year-old daughter helps me to bring me the potty, baby wipe or food for her baby brother, I often say to her “Thank you my dear for your help. I can always count on you to help your brother.”

So make a commitment today, to never take for granted any act or evidence of dependability or loyalty. You can help your children to develop the great value of loyalty, dependability and reliability.

Article by Alvin Poh, founder of Learning Champ, a parenting website that provides information and resources to parents,
who want to help their children develop the important skills and mind set for a brighter future ->
http://www.alvinkh.per.sg/learningchamp

Q. I need your help with a question about my teen-age daughter. Getting her ears pierced was no big deal, but then she wanted to get a belly button ring and a tongue ring. We let her get the belly button one but not the tongue one.

Just the other night, we walked into her room and she was scratching on her leg with a pair of scissors. She was drawing a little blood, but she says it’s no big deal and no different from getting her belly button pierced and that her best friend does it, too.

This does not sound right, but I don’t want to overreact. Is it the same? Also, does this mean she is suicidal, and should I tell her friend’s parents about what is going on?

A. I applaud you for going with your instincts and not buying the con that cutting yourself with scissors is just like a navel ring and everyone else is doing it.

It’s not the same, and everyone else is not doing it.

Getting your ears, navel, tongue, lips, nose, etc., pierced for a ring, while it may look strange, is called self decorating.

What you caught your daughter doing is called self-harming.

From bobby socks to nose rings, teen-agers always have and always will decorate themselves. What scares some parents is that kids are running out of new ways to decorate themselves in ways that are shocking.

Body piercings and tattoos are the rage now. Each family needs to decide what is acceptable in the home.

I know some families that have made getting a navel ring a family event. I’m not necessarily recommending this across the board, but it seemed to work for them.

Cutting yourself is one of the most common forms of self-harm. Other common forms of self-harm include burning with lighters or matches, pulling out body hairs and picking at sores.

Signs and symptoms of self-harming behaviors include:

=>Finding sharp instruments (knives, razor blades, box cutters, even glass) hidden in their room, car or elsewhere.

=>Finding linens and clothes with blood stains, and the explanations don’t make sense.

=>Unexplained hair loss, bald patches.

=>Cut and/or burn marks on legs and arms, which are the most typical places, though they can show up anywhere.

=>Frequent isolation in bedroom, bathroom or elsewhere.

=>Lots and lots of bracelets on the wrists, that NEVER come off in front of you

Self-harming goes way beyond self-decorating. It is hurting yourself to relieve emotional pain.

It’s paradoxical, but self-harming is an attempt to deal with pain. The emotional logic goes something like this: “If I’m hurting physically, then maybe my feelings won’t hurt so much.”

There is a certain release and relief from the bad feelings that are experienced by the person self-harming. Those feelings are followed by guilt about what has been done. This sets up a vicious cycle of doing it again to stop feeling bad, guilt, etc.

A key question is: What is the person feeling that hurts so bad?

I urge parents to not take this stuff lightly and treat it like the serious problem that it is.

People who cut themselves or cause other physical harm to relieve emotional pain need help. I suggest you schedule an appointment with both your family physician and a family therapist who has experience treating these kind of problems.

You also asked if this could mean your daughter is suicidal. It’s a crucial question, yet difficult to answer on the little I know.

According to the latest consumer update from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy “self-harming adolescents are rarely suicidal.”

Yet, I urge parents to take anything that even looks a little bit like suicidal thinking or behavior very seriously; there is no margin for error.

Finally, many parents who discover negative information about other children struggle with whether they should notify their parents.

My rule of thumb is: If it were your child, would you want to know?

Of course you would.

Notifying other parents will not make you popular with your daughter, but there are more important issues here. It also can be intimidating. Some words you might want to use are: “Listen, Mr./Mrs. Smith. I’ve come across some information about your daughter that, if she were my child, I would want to know.”

Leading parenting expert Jeff Herring is a teen and family therapist, parenting coach, speaker and syndicated parenting and relationship columnist. Jeff invites you to visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for 100’s of tips and tools for parenting through the teenage years. You can also subscribe to his f’ree weekly internet newsletter “ParenitngYourTeenager.”

Experience and Coping Strategies of Living with Mental Illness

“The mental illness of a family member is an unexpected event that disrupts the usual sense of continuity an rhythm in the lifecycle with a profound impact on young family members”. (Marsh & Dickens, 1997, p.51)

Mental illness disrupts lives in the following ways:

• economic hardship

• frequent changes of home/residence

• separation/divorce

• secrecy due to the stigma of mental illness

• distancing of neighbors & family members due to a lack of understanding of mental illness

• avoidance of friends due to an unstable home environment

Quite often youth experience Parentification — that is a role reversal. Often one or more children in the family assume an adult role & take over household responsibilities as well as caretaking of other siblings due to the unavailability of a parent or inability of a parent to perform necessary household and caretaking tasks. Usually the parent and child lack bonding experiences which can result in impaired social experiences.

When a psychotic outbreak, episode or suicide attempt occurs there is an increased reliance and dependence of the ill family member on the rest of the members. Quite often the ill member is in denial of the outbreak and usually experiences confusion, anger and despair. The ill member needs a safe place, food and lots of rest. Meanwhile…..

The rest of the family members are left in a state of shock, crisis and chaos while left to care for the needs of the ill family member. Usually everyone attempts to normalize the experience and to compensate for the disruptive force of the mental illness. The ill member is unaware of the family’s unmet needs of the parent’s), or children. The spouse is often tending to the ill member, hence children’s needs are forgotten.

The social and emotional impact of Mental Illness includes:

• shame, due to stigma and secrecy of the mental illness
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• feeling as if your ‘head is in the sand’

• frequent state of crisis, chaos, shock & denial
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• hoping against hope that an additional crisis will not occur & the ill member will be healed

• disillusionment, confusion & feelings of hopelessness

• loss of an adult role model (if it is mentally ill parent)

• anger, guilt, frustration or resentment due to unmet needs and the inability to help the ill family member
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• perpetual loss

• empathetic pain for other family members

• feelings of isolation and loneliness

• shattered trust

• often and unclear sense of reality

• low self-concept

• unmet needs

Coping Strategies:

• Do not do anything harmful to yourself

• Establish and set goals for yourself

• Find healthy avenues of escape, to divert or distract yourself such as: reading, jogging, sports, visit friends or becoming involved in activities outside the home

• Seek the support of professionals, such as a therapist, doctor, etc.

• Recognize or establish boundaries between yourself and the ill member

• Educate yourself about the illness

• Engage in activities and associate with individuals who reinforce or boost your self-esteem

©2005 Author: Pauline Fitzgerald, MA, RCC

Connections Counselling / www.connectionscounselling.com / 604-850-8685

So your little Susie wants to join a competitive gymnastic club? You conclude that this is going to be great fun! Maybe, you even think this is just the ticket your bouncy little girl needs to get rid of her pent-up energy while meeting other little friends. Initially, all seems well as you proudly watch your Susie happily striving to achieve equilibrium success. However, as the first competitive trial draws near, Susie is apprehensive and fearful. She doesn’t appear quite as secure as she did during the training classes. Why not?

You’re thrilled! Your ten year old son Randy wants to play on the little league baseball team. You think this is perfect. He can learn the importance of being a team member while gaining some confidence participating in a sport that he enjoys. His father is delighted to see that his son is taking after the old block. Dad begins the push for his son’s success by providing daily pointers of the game. In the beginning, everything seems dandy until Randy starts to behave aggressively for unexplainable reasons. How come?

The school exams are only two months away. Your sixteen year old has been listening to you preach the virtues of being number one since school began countless years ago. I mean, after all, getting into the top-ranked university is important stuff. Your family’s reputation is at stake. Andrew is fully aware that he has to measure up in the Harvard family tree. The school year appears to go smoothly until Andy slumps into an apparent state of exhaustion. He barricades himself in a locked bedroom, refusing to get up to go to school or speak to anyone. What happened?

You’ve always love attending the ballet. You think it would be fabulous if your youngster took an interest in your passion. As a well-intentioned parent, you encourage your Sarah to take a few dance classes as a way of introducing her to classical repertoire. Over the course of time her interest grows and she appears to blossom under the guidance of the tutor’s instructions. This pleases you immensely which makes your budding ballerina work even harder for acquiring your continued praise. Within two years, however, you notice your daughter’s always argumentative and bites your head off when you question why. What did you do to deserve this?

It’s really quite simple but nobody wants to talk about this controversial subject. These youngsters are having a difficult time coping with the pressures they sustain from performance activities. How did this happen?

Unfortunately, too few parents recognize the dangers lurking in the wings for our children. I didn’t. We readily accept the insulting, reprimanding remarks by a teacher, the often foul-mouthed, screaming outbursts by a coach, and the demeaning, belittling comments made by instructors. Admittedly, we want to see our kids succeed in life, but at what cost? All too often, parents’ disregard the consequences of their well-meaning actions and many youngsters pay dearly to achieve our expectations. We fail to recognize that youngsters are not equipped emotionally or psychologically to contend with the daily bombardment of negative comments to their impressionable psyches. They are still too immature and therefore; ineffectively deal with the constant assault on their suggestible minds. They lack the ability to define what constitutes a winner or a loser. Their interpretation of this attainment is solely a reflection of their parents, educators, and instructors alike. Their vulnerability even extends to the media that dictates what is attractive, fashionable, and acceptable in our success driven society. Sad, but true.

As well-intentioned parents we want the best for our children. We conscientiously attempt to provide them with a variety of avenues to explore, academically, athletically, and in the arts. Many parents believe that competitive endeavors build character, focus, and determination. For others, performance activities may provide a vehicle for talented children to discover their self-worth in society. Additionally, some parents view performance activities as a venue for a potential career, i.e., hockey, acting, basketball, swimming, dancing, gymnastics, etc. However; if truth be known, many unwitting parents inadvertently set these kids off on a path of stress, insecurity, and low self-esteem, particularly when youngsters enter turbulent adolescence.

Even though chaotic adolescence can play havoc in a family’s life, it is not the sole culprit. The “pressures to perform” can play an equally significant role during this volatile period, affectionately referred to as “the insanity of adolescence”. It can account for initiating some real life issues such as bulimia, anorexia, depression, rage, drugs, cutting, and potential suicide.

How do I know these things? Because my family was a casualty in this war of pandemonium with a pressurized adolescent deeply committed to a highly competitive endeavor. We lived the nightmare many parents would like to avoid.

I’m going to ask you some questions. Think about them for a moment and answer them honestly:

1. How do some youngsters cope with the pressures they sustain from performance activities?

2. What are their deepest, darkest, fears?

3. What are some of the methods they may employ when dealing with their mounting adolescent insecurities?

4. Why do some talented kids feel like failures, regardless of their successes?

5. Have you ever considered that their rebellion, inappropriate behavior, and negative acting-out may stem from the pressures to perform?

6. Could the rage they exhibit be only symptomatic of a deeper frustration youngsters endure?

If you were able to answer any of these questions due to your insider knowledge of what I’m referring to; Bravo! You’re amongst a handful of enlightened parents that understand this new age dilemma. You’re fully aware of the negative repercussions that a family can encounter when an adolescent is confronted by the mounting pressures of performance activities. You’re part of a select group of parents that realize the today’s youngsters face personal challenges and societal issues that past generations rarely needed to address. A case in point would be the rise in eating disorders amongst girls in performance activities such as gymnastics, dance, and swimming.

It is estimated that up to sixty-two percent of females who participate in “appearance sports” such as gymnastics, figure skating, dancing, and diving are suffering from an active eating disorder. World-class gymnast Christy Henrich died after her struggle with anorexia and bulimia. In the late 1980s, Christy was 4′10″, weighing ninety pounds. After one of her competitions, she was told by a US gymnastics judge that she needed to lose weight if she hoped to make the 1988 Olympic team. In 1994, she died of multiple organ failure at twenty-two, weighing less than sixty pounds.

Lea Thompson, from the hit TV sitcom Caroline in the City, commented on eating disorders in the dance world today, recalling that during her days as a dancer, she was told by a theatre company that at 5′5″ tall and ninety-six pounds, she was too “stocky” to be considered.

If you don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, please read on. And, don’t think for a minute that girls are exclusive to the pressures from performance activities. Here is a sampling of one heartfelt letter I received from one of my readers.

Dear Karen,

“My fifteen year old son was a star goalie on the local hockey team. Between the screaming insults by the parents in the stands and the inexcusable yelling by the coaches, my kid felt like a failure most of the time. After reading your book, a light went on in my head and I sat him down for a fatherly talk. I was stunned to discover how badly he felt about losing a “game” and letting his mother and me down. What I thought was just a little healthy competition was really tearing this kid up inside. Talk about a reality check. Needless to say, we followed your advice and gave him the choice to stay in or get out. He chose to stay, but with a very different attitude. Now, he’s doing this for himself, not for us or anyone else. Thanks a bunch for setting me straight.”

Bill

Fort Myers, Texas

I know that the subject matter in this article is a tough one to swallow; nevertheless, I also know that it’s important that you learn the truth about this modern day misconception.

As the mother of a stressed-out high achiever who spent nine years in highly competitive professional dance institutions, I consider myself an authority on this subject. As an unsuspecting (and well-intentioned)) parent, I was unaware that the combination of adolescent instability and the pressures within the dance environment sparked a ticking time-bomb with my volatile daughter as the detonator. I found it discomforting to consider that I may have unconsciously contributed to pushing the explosive button.

The world of competitive activities is not all that it’s cracked up to be and “success at all cost” may be too high a price to pay for undermining the psychological well-being of impressionable teens.

What happened to us can happen to any well-intentioned family with children who are pushed to perform in academics, the arts, or athletics.

A native of Boston, Massachusetts, this distinguished author writes under the pen name, Karen Montgomery. She has written numerous fictional short stories and articles during her ten year career as a freelance writer. “Turn A Blind Eye” is Ms. Montgomery’s premier non-fiction book. Karen now lives with her family in a suburb outside of Toronto. Visit Karen at her website for further information and a preview of her latest book. http://www.easytodownload.com/blind_eye_info.htm

Many people in the world today find themselves
working 60-80 hours each and every week. Losing
considerable quality family time, enabling them
the time to truly enjoy their lives. Many parent are
stuck leaving their children to day care facilities,
rather than being home to raise them their selves.
There never seems to enough hours in the day to
enjoy life to the fullest.

It is firstly most important to stay focused on
what is really important. Set aside time to share
valuable family time. During this time, do not
allow for phone conversations and other interruption.
Let everyone work together on projects, chores, or a
recreational activity.

Set small specific goals. Small goals are easier to
accomplish. For instance, instead of promising to
spend more time with your family; promise to spend
an hour each day or night with your family. This
is much easier to achieve and can be successfully
accomplished.

Sometimes spending more time with your family is simply
a choice. How do you choose to spend your time? Make
the decision, and Choose to spend extra time with your
family each day, it is a worthwhile choice. Once you
see how you and your family benefit from this you will
be motivated to set additional time and larger goals.

What does it take to have more time available for your
family? How do other people create invaluable family
time?

In order to create the freedom to have more time
available to dedicate to family time, you need leverage.
It is leverage that allows people to be free of demanding
work hours and money restraints. Think about this…
Every successful person who has ample time to spend on
family time or anything else that he or she desires, has
the leverage to do so. Leverage can give you the
potential of limitless possibilities and change of
lifestyle and freedom.

It’s all about making a decision, making a choice.
Placing a higher value on irreplaceable family time.
Setting your goals and creating the leverage to achieve
your goals, Thus, setting yourself free of the demands
of your over worked schedule and creating a life of
memorable quality family time.

Entrepreneur and Home business owner who teaches
people how to create leverage in their life to
create freedom & success. Find out how…

Rochelle Hawks www.freelifefortunes.com